church basement really awesome apocalyptic B movie festival: honorable mention

Because I have a special place in my heart for apocalypses, I am sole sponsor of the cbraaBmf. This disaster deserves an honorable mention . . .

church basement really awesome apocalyptic B movie festival (part four)

MOVIE FOUR: Judgment (2001)

In what has to be one of the most stellar cast line-ups in the history of really bad church movies, Mr T joins Corbin Bernsen (and the ubiquitous Nick Mancuso) in this courtroom thriller about the end times and . . . . . . judgment!  When I first saw this movie I couldn't quite believe what I was seeing, but then I remembered the sub-sphere of evangelical film production and figured it must be (sadly) true.

SYNOPSIS:

Perhaps following on the success of Ally McBeal, this movie is set mostly within a courtroom where the Christian opposition to the antichrist (leader of O.N.E.) quickly turns into the trial of the century when Mitch (Bernsen) summons Jesus Christ to the stand.  This is clearly an Arnie Becker move.  The Christians in the film are referred to as Haters and are thus systematically being put away.  Mr T is part of a group that is planning on rescuing their own 'hater' from the trial, bringing to the table some of that A-Team experience we all know and love.  Clearly this is an out-of-cash 80s refab set in an end-time apocalyptic scenario.  And that wouldn't even be that bad, except that this project is so ridiculously put together.  What else can I say?

TRAILER:

REVIEW:

One of the biggest problems with Cloud Ten Productions is that they keep reproducing films which are so preoccupied with the last days and the rise of the antichrist that they continue to perpetuate their own beliefs in defiance of biblical evidence and sound theology.  Further along this line, they are the only ones making movies in this scope and thus have no real opportunity for 'dialoguing' with other perspectives - in other words, they all look the same.  And, as I have heard from a number of people, it gives the impression that Christians are only concerned with the end times and have nothing else really to talk about.

What is great about the antichrist in these films is that you can always see him from a mile away, even though everyone in the script cannot see his sinister-ness  for anything.  To help here, resident antichrist Franco Macalousso has slick hair, slicker suits and a portrait of himself hanging above his desk (bruh-ha-ha-ha-ha!).  And he is always doing something good, which we all suspect is going to be evil at some point.  If this is the pat definition for an antichrist, then we're surrounded by them - called Washington D. C., Detroit or Chicago.

Again, there is the perpetuated perspective that in order to overcome the violence and militarism, Christians will need to succeed violently and by becoming more militaristic.  Enter Mr T into the fray.  The same is true in the Left Behind sequicentilogy, there is more emphasis on bloodshed and covert action than there is a proclamation of the Lamb's overcoming through suffering and death.  Believers are nowhere pushed in this direction, perhaps one reason why they are thought of as 'Haters'?????  But this is within their own script, so. . .?????

In the end, it makes the festival as a headliner because it has Corbin Bersen and Mr T - and who wouldn't want to see that? 

church basement really awesome apocalyptic B movie festival (part three)

MOVIE THREE: Left Behind II: Tribulation Force (2002)

In this can't-wait-not-to-see follow up to the destined-to-be-a-cult-classic Left Behind I: We've Been Left Behind, Rayford, Buck and Chloe head into the wilds of the great tribulation armed with their Daniel & Revelation misreadings and a plot made of swiss-cheese.  Though it feels like an eternity for those who are trying to follow this story, the movie begins one week after the mysterious disappearances of millions around the world.  Clearly, this antichrist is much more organized than were previous attempts to rule the world within the sphere of cbraaBmovies (cf. A Thief in the Night).

SYNOPSIS:

While the antichrist, Nicolae Carpathia (who still should have been better cast, maybe Meatloaf?), has become largely adored and leads without question by most of the world there remains a ragtag band of post-rapture believers who are not swayed by his ability to command audiences by his rhetoric.  [N.B., this plot has absolutely nothing to do with 2008 general election politics.]  The main character, Buck (Kirk Cameron), has sidled up to the antichrist in an attempt to keep an eye on him and secure opportunities for taking pot-shots at the global takeover for this lame 'Tribulation Force" (c'mon, it's not like their the Delta Force or anything. . .maybe if they had signed Chuck Norris they could call themselves a force).  And to help Buck with his anti-antichrist activity, Rayford has been appointed to be the antichrist's personal pilot.

In a rather literal rendering of Revelation 11, the two witnesses who are hanging out around the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem breathe fire on military troops who try to take down a few members of the Tribulation Force while they are on a recruiting assignment.  Evidently they feel that since the antichrist has a Jewish expert in his corner (Chaim), they need a Jewish expert in their corner (Tsion ben Judah, whose name just sounds made up).  This is to fulfill the overstated eschatological premise often found in Scripture that the only chance to win this thing is to have a Jewish expert and/or scientist on your side.

Here is the trailer. . .

REVIEW:

Where to begin?  I only saw this movie once and it clocks in at only 94 minutes, yet it felt longer than the unextended Lord of the Rings saga.  And this means that I might get some of the details wrong, but will still be able to give you an accurate description.  There is, believe it or not, one particular scene which almost lends some credence and credibility to the movie. . .but it can't help but shooting itself in the foot.  Rayford is doing some heavy evangelism while on suicide watch with one of his buddies.  The discussion at this point of the movie is actually alright, until Rayford had to go and utter the phrase: "you need to trade that gun for God."  If you must see it for yourself, it is here.  Perhaps next time he could just share a copy of The Purpose Driven Life or something.

Also, on this idea of a tribulation force. . .not only do they not have Chuck Norris, they don't have any biblical support for the notion that a band of believers is summoned to fight against the powers of the world by using the powers of the world.  In fact, the whole of Scripture (especially Revelation) is the precise opposite of this notion - we are to overcome through our faithfulness to the gospel and our imitation of Christ via sacrificial service.  This is seen in the movie through Chloe's volunteering at the shelter and Bruce's work through the church, but these are seen as minor subplots which are vastly overshadowed by the work of taking down the antichrist (who should have been cast better, perhaps Jean-Claude Van Damme?).

church basement really awesome apocalyptic B movie festival (part two)

MOVIE TWO: Left Behind (2000)

This movie has one two awards, both documented in Jason Boyett's Pocket Guide to the Apocalypse (2005): 1) "Best Use of a Former Teen Heartthrob, and 2) Only Use of a Former Teen Heartthrob Named Kirk Cameron.  Way to go Cloud Ten Pictures!

SYNOPSIS:

(Seriously, if you don't know the basic plot of this one by now, what rock have you been under for the last ten years?!?)  OK, OK, OK, OK . . . Based on the 1995 runaway best seller endie series, Left Behind: The Movie chronicles the events of the rapture, and the events which follow.  Thus we see the world reaction to millions of people who have disappeared, the rise of the antichrist, the unravelling of a grand government conspiracy, and the seeds of a one-world religion.  Classic.  The rise of darkness inspires a band of those left-behind-who've-now-converted to join together so that they can ride out the next seven years (which are conveniently mapped out for them in Daniel, Revelation, some stolen blueprints, and a VHS of T. D. Jakes - which, in a surprising twist for him, actually uses Scripture!).

We see clearly that the rising antichrist is clearly evil and have some seeds that he is Satanic, though it is all a bit confusing at this point.  Following what is possibly the best men's restroom come-to-Jesus scene ever documented on film, we see how sinister this Nicolae really is - he rids his path to power from those who obstruct it and brainwash everyone who did not have an extended men's restroom come-to-Jesus scene.  But, according to a note in Boyett: "He gets named People magazine's 'Sexiest Man Alive,' though, so no one bats an eyelash" (155).

Enjoy the movie trailer:

ISSUES:

Many.  Too many to include.  Too many to count.

The beginning of the movie has a voiceover by Kirk Cameron as we are given a view of the world, in which the viewer is challenged with the question: what if the rapture is true and we didn't believe it?  A clear move by church basement apocalyptic B movies - the use of fear to inspire one's relationship with God.  We are seldom given any opportunity to consider what if there is not a rapture and the church is summoned to working through the tribulations of this world.  Some call it fire insurance theology, I call it stupid biblical interpretation.  Especially in light of the fact that many who accept a rapture theology have a very anemic view of the kingdom being made known into an increasingly hostile world.

And speaking of stupid biblical interpretation, the movie (and the book) is filled with misreadings of Scripture and hermeneutical fallacies that even Jim West wouldn't commit.  Specifically, the approach to the Bible which is little more than an end times manual for those who are left behind, as though it has no message to those who who are not living in the time following the supposed rapture.  I mean, God so frequently gives us revelation in order to hide important things from our lives and keep secret those things which will only affect a small sliver of humanity and history, right?  The cross-reading of Daniel and Revelation is also nauseating since the two are complete messages in and of themselves (AND, the term 'antichrist' doesn't even appear in Daniel or Revelation, let alone all the things that the antichrist is going to do in the post-raptured world!).

Finally, I think the guy who plays Nicolae sucks at it.  But that is pretty much just my own preference coming through.  I mean, what do I care about who plays a fictional character in some stupid movie that is so loosely tied to Revelation that I'm shocked they even mention the word 'Bible' in the film?  But I do care.  He could have been better.  I'm thinking Dolph Lundgren would have been perfect (you know, the Soviet boxer in Rocky IV).  Yeah, there's an antichrist we can all get behind.

church basement really awesome apocalyptic B movie festival (part one)

Some of you know that one of my latest and greatest wishes is to host a movie festival.  Not some artsy fartsy reveling of modern cinematic achievement, but a celebration of some of the absolute worst witnessing (and theatrical disgraces) the church has ever been able to achieve.  Since funding is not available at this point - and blogging is free - then I will begin a cyber version of my quest.

Thus, I present a Church Basement Really Awesome Apocalyptic B Movie Festival.

MOVIE ONE: A Thief in the Night (1972)

This (really) is the original and classic film dedicated to wild apocalyptic imagination with little to no basis in actual Scripture, even though Scripture is referenced throughout.  It is, in a sense, the original Left Behind.  And, yes, it is still available for purchase to this day (and most likely still in use in various fundamentalist churches and camp meetings around the country).

The story centers around Patty, a young woman who considers herself a Christian because she basically doesn't do anything wrong and follows the Ten Commandments; she is considered 'practically a saint' by one of her girlfriends (but she turns out to be evil in the end, anyway).

One morning Patty wakes up to find that her husband is gone - a result of the rapture which is *clearly* taught about in Scripture.  Thus she realizes that she has been left behind to deal with a world which is slowly slipping into hell.  The worldwide leaders establish UNITE (United Nations Imperium for Total Emergency) to deal with the situation.  They eventually go around and mark everyone with a (miscoded) binary symbol of 666.

Unfortunately, UNITE only has one van.  So when they attempt to arrest Patty she is able to escape quite easily.  A very dramatic plot twist is when Patty takes their one van, much to the dismay of their two uniformed cops.  But it turns out that they have got themselves a helicopter and track down their stolen van and the driver.  It is never mentioned why she is such an important person to capture, seeing as how she is not able to interact with anyone else (for food, etc) without the mark of the beast.

The really thriller comes at the end.  This is a SPOILER, so don't read this paragraph if you plan on actually sitting through this piece of crap (. . . again).  Patty is on a bridge when she is about to get captured.  She falls of the side and plunges to her death.  Then, she awakens in her bed and realizes the entire movie had been a dream.  BUT! she then hears the radio reporting that millions of people have vanished and then comes to realize that her (believing) husband is gone as well. . .she has missed the rapture and has now been left behind.

Enjoy this musical number during the opening sequence:

Where to begin?  The storyline is full of holes and rarely makes much sense beyond a superficial level.  Scripture is used throughout, and a number of people confess Christ in the movie (and probably as a result of watching the movie).  But the interpretation of Scripture is misleading and hermeneutically anemic.  There is very little here which could commend to sound Christian orthodoxy, even if you think that a pre-trib rapture is possible.  Christians in the movie are not presented well, either - *true* believers are constantly portrayed as having nothing else to be concerned with than the imminent rapture and getting others to ride that J-train.  Never are any of the new believers directed to an outward working of the gospel - it is all about the personal decision and life change of the individual (I feel different, better).

The ending is ridiculously stupid, for it gives the impression that history is already set in the area of salvation.  That, while Patty is given this dream as a warning of the choices in her life, she is never given an opportunity to repent and believe.  As Dickens wrote from the words of Scrooge, "Why show me this if I am beyond all hope?"  Indeed.

Things I've learned:

1. I really don't like Larry Norman songs, except for this version (yeah, that's a joke).

2. People in white vans are probably trying to abduct you.

3. Friends who are preoccupied with sex will most likely end up dating the antichrist.

4. Sincere Christians who don't preach the rapture will be screwed and left behind.

5. UN military officials probably left the keys in their van.